What if I hadn’t experienced mental illness from a young age? Felt its dark pull, learned to anticipate its moods. Realized how much effect it would have if it, most likely, took me over one day. And learned to look for the signs, admit that I’d need help to tear myself from the clutches when it came for me.
Would I be as aware throughout my life that I may not be the only one with these experiences, and to learn empathy for those around me? To reach for understanding and common ground while I struggled with my own sanity?
What if I hadn’t faced jealousy? Even in the cruel mouths of my friends’ mothers, which trickled down to their own kin turning on me. In the misunderstanding of my actions, often forced upon me by their own unwillingness to view the situation through other eyes.
Would I have ever risen above it, recognized it for what it was, and just stop giving needy assholes any attention or validation?
What if I hadn’t been bullied? Side note, I’m not talking about words that offend. I mean groups waiting to attack me when I left the house, even taking it so far as to break into my safe home to attempt to break my spirits as well as my skin.
Would I have learned to fight for myself? To stand up to bigger, stronger, more vicious enemies. To, in deference, hone my deescalation skills and words to avoid conflict.
What if I hadn’t taken risks, given in to bad behavior, taken dangerous paths? What if I hadn’t ended up at death’s door through many of those decisions?
Would I have realized the line at which to bar myself from proceeding? Would I have appreciated the real darkness lurking around the next bend? To be hyperaware, always looking for the safest exit, the cleanest solution to every possible conflict.
What if females hadn’t shunned me from an early age? Whether it be envy or just that I wasn’t their cup of tea. Through violence, betrayal, and outcasting.
Would I have learned to look to myself for reassurance; that I was doing the right thing, that I wasn’t a terrible person, that I would be just fine without them? Would I have learned to trust carefully, to choose those I keep closely with discernment, to relish solitude? To be honest and true to myself no matter what the outcome.
What if I hadn’t been used and thrown away? Discarded once their desires were fulfilled.
Would I have seen the malice in that behavior and challenged myself to abstain from that nature? Shown myself the signs and learned to avoid manipulation?
What if I hadn’t had times in my life where money was scarce? When the choice was harder than just “what do I want to eat today” or “which pair of shoes do I want”?
Would I have learned sacrifice, the meaning of working toward security, the exhaustion of having 4 jobs at once and spending most of my waking hours tirelessly?
What if I hadn’t had my heart broken more times than I thought would allow that vital organ to go on pumping? Through death, the end of friendships and lovers, disappointment (sometimes in myself).
Would I have found ways to mend through grief, to keep moving forward when all I wanted to do was quit, to pour my words and tears onto pages to bandage my trauma?
What if I hadn’t been given extraordinary chances to break of out of comfort zone and truly experience the outside world? To travel to places I’d only dreamt of, to be in the spotlight beyond the norm, to make a different mark than most.
Would I have my eyes open to unexpected opportunities, to believing I could do anything I put my mind to, wanting that reclusive, abundant MORE?
What if I hadn’t had everything I knew ripped from my grasp within one month? Job, partner, home, independence… all just POOF. If I hadn’t had to humble myself and return to a safe place for a year to recover and make a new start. To be so far away from every comfort I’d had for the past 28 years. If I hadn’t had so much silence that I was pressed to listen for guidance.
Would I have recognized my resilience, appreciated the solidity and love of my family, found a part inside me that had settled into complacency and broken through it? Would I be on this terrifying, exhilarating, God blessed new path toward the future and success I’ve always desired? Left parts of me behind that were required to perish to become a better version. Finally seen just how stagnant my existence had become.
What if I hadn’t met you?
I never would have known that fairy tale love. Not only with you, but realizing that I was capable of a commitment and devotion so strong and unending for someone else. I wouldn’t have met the wild, free, joyous person that loving you awakened in me. I wouldn’t have so so sooooo many memories that, even though I now actively try to avoid thinking about them now, still bring a genuine smile to both my face and my battered soul.
I wouldn’t have known the true fear of violence from the person I trusted the most, and the fallout that putting my trust back in your hands created. I wouldn’t have seen that despite all my best efforts, I can’t fix someone who is determined to stay broken.
Every struggle, challenge, and insurmountable mountain I’ve traversed in my life has made me who I am. Every obstacle I’ve encountered has pushed me to find courage and fortitude to face adversity and form what I am capable of becoming. I do not and will not regret a single part of this journey, and I am beyond thankful to God for giving me the strength and determination to just keep going.
I am a work in progress, and will pledge to always be.
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