I felt it immediately when I woke up. Minutes before 6 AM, as always. I could sense its claws scratching at my resolve. I saw the darkness creeping into the corners of my hope for an easy, peaceful day.
It’s not like I’m unfamiliar with its presence. Shit, it’s been my constant companion for damn near a year straight, not to mention the countless times it would strike me out of nowhere for decades before that.
It always starts small, sneaking in instead of pouncing. Hoping I won’t notice its presence until it’s too late. But I can smell the beast the moment it makes the decision to descend on my day. Before I even open my eyes, I know today will be a battle I’ll most likely lose.
But why now? When things are just starting to turn around? When I’m finally realizing that there is a light at the end of the tunnel grinning at me, urging me on?
The rest of the day passes and I feel, not hear, whispers of its mission. I have learned to ignore them, but that doesn’t save me from the marks left on my mind. Nagging, tearing moments of sadness make their way in over hours, no matter where I hide. And as the moon climbs into the sky, the deep pain in my center creeps right in. It feigns warmth, like I don’t know exactly what’s coming, like it can disguise its intent. But the ache… it fills me. My chest, my shoulders. Questions of my sanity and content whispered in my ears make me doubt my ability to control anything.
I’m afraid to sleep. That’s its strongest hunting ground, so much harder for me to fight against it in my dreams. Tears burn the back of my eyes, begging to be set free. My throat clenches with sobs I try desperately to contain and master.
Why now? Why can’t I ever truly free myself from its pursuit?
Why won’t it just let me be… let me get on with my desire for a settled, happy life?
Leave a Reply