And then… NOTHING.
Ok, let’s be honest. You never gave me everything. You gave me very little, actually. You didn’t pay my bills. You didn’t provide for our home. You didn’t support me. Pretty much ever.
But when you wanted to be your best, you made it seem like you would give me everything I ever wanted or needed. You made me believe you were my partner. You led me to the conclusion that we were forever. You alluded to the idea that you loved me more than anything in the whole world. Wait, that’s not true. You actually proclaimed it out loud.
But then… but THEN. I became irrelevant, dispensable, unnecessary, unwanted, too much, not enough, too loud too quiet too absent too present. I was your savior and a whore within the same breath. Your salvation and your death within one thought. Your blessing and your burden within the same sentence.
I know now that it’s less about me, and more about you. But that doesn’t make it easier. Sometimes, it actually makes it worse. How do you vacillate between both ends of your spectrum at the same time? How do you encompass loving me and hating me in your same body? How do you promise me a future when you really only consider what you want?
The dichotomy of your personality baffles me.
Even when I questioned our relationship, I never, I repeat NEVER, questioned my love for you. Not once. Sadly, not even now.
I’m exhausted by my efforts. I’m entangled with my emotions. I’m depleted of any semblance of progression.
I still would have fought for you. Through anything. With everything.
And I still love you. And I don’t know how to change that.
Leave a Reply